As previously reported, according to numerous evangelical experts, living gays are already capable of causing world-altering phenomena such as 9/11 and mass shootings, not to mention the fall of the Roman Empire [ed.: too soon?]. But today the American Family Association reports even more disturbing news: Apparently, our terrifying gay overlords have no intention of releasing their hold on the fate of the universe after death.
The Defense Department recently published a list of benefits now available to gay service members and their spouses following the lifting of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, including burial at Arlington National Cemetery. The AFA reacted by posting a “Call To Action” to protest the burials, claiming this would “expos[e] the military to open homosexuality” and “endanger” the “security of our nation.”
Which begs the question, how exactly could a group of people who are dead and buried expose the military to open homosexuality, much less endanger the security of the nation? Is there a risk of them gay-haunting the D.C. metropolitan area? Promoting the homosexual agenda to their subterranean plot mates? The AFA doesn’t explain, but the answer is obvious: Zombie Gaypocalypse.
Thankfully, the AFA is here to protect us all from this ghastly threat. Their members are now lobbying Congress to forbid burials of gay people at Arlington.
Wait, why are you laughing? This is not a joke, people. If gay people capable of causing a fucking hurricane while still alive, just imagine the terror they could reign upon us in zombie form. This could be a mess of Biblical proportions. Old Testament. Real wrath of God type stuff. Boiling seas, rivers of blood, dogs and cats living together, dogs and dogs living together.
The Zombie Gaypocalypse is upon us, people. Prepare yourselves.
By guest contributor Jeremy Montano. Jeremy, for one, welcomes our gay zombie overlords.
Artist rendering of impending gay zombie apocalypse by Anne Ishii.