Louisiana Cuts Health Care For At-Risk Children & New Mothers, Plans To Just Strangle a Bunch Of Kittens Next If This Doesn’t Close the Budget Gap
“For far too long, kittens in this State have literally sucked at the teat of government fat cats. This culture of dependency ends today.”
Louisiana is set to begin cuts to health care services for at-risk children, new mothers, and a wide range of other highly sympathetic groups on Friday. Gov. Bobby Jindal has yet to confirm whether more groups will be targeted in the future if the measures fail to close the state’s $166 million budget gap, but we recommend making arrangements if you’re a disabled orphan or an adorable, fluffy kitten.
The health care cuts come just days after Jindal’s announcement that he will pursue a more regressive tax system, which suggests they may be part of some larger plan to turn the entire State of Louisiana into a Charles Dickens novel. Specifically, the state will completely eliminate the following programs:
Behavioral health services for at-risk children.
Because as long as we’re actively refusing
to enact gun control, we might as well cut mental health services, too. There’s no real consensus yet on whether guns kill people or people kill people, so let’s pay attention to neither and see how it goes.
Case management visits for low-income HIV patients. Do you have any idea how much medical care these people consume? And a lot of them aren’t even working full-time because they’re “sick” or they’re “thowing up 20 times a day from the meds” or they’re “about to die.” Enough excuses, already. McDonald’s is always hiring.
Nursing visits to teach poor, first-time mothers how to care for their newborns. Figure it out yourself, ladies.
Dental care for pregnant women on Medicaid. Well now that’s just wasteful spending right there. It’s only a matter of time until they lose their teeth to meth anyway.
Physical therapy and speech therapy rehabilitation services for nursing home residents. You’ll thank us when Grandma can’t ramble on about President Roosevelt anymore.
Photo: Gage Skidmore
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Appellate attorney, admirer of funny people, Dolt.