Afghanistan Expected To Devolve Into Giant, Frenzied Orgy As Military Lifts Ban On Women Serving In Combat With Male Counterparts

Huzzah, Wednesday was a joyous day for all women!!! Well, except for Hillary Clinton. She actually had a really shitty day yesterday.

But for the rest of American women, the big news was that outgoing Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta plans to announce a lifting of the ban on female service members in combat roles. Panetta’s decision was made upon the recommendation of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and was informed largely by women’s valor in Iraq and Afghanistan, defense officials said.

Opponents have long argued that female cadets are unable to perform some of the more physically demanding jobs sometimes required in combat positions. However, the military has developed new technology recently that now allows them to decipher how physically fit each cadet is without regard to sex.  The groundbreaking testing methods are said to involve inventions such as “stopwatches” and “obstacle courses” and “people who stand around and record how much weight each cadet can lift and then compare it against every other cadet.”

Critics have also claimed that integration during deployments could create a distracting, sexually charged atmosphere in the force. However, opinion among top-level defense officials on this has shifted as research has recently revealed that: (1) it probably makes more sense just to exclude the men and women who are incapable of acting appropriately, rather than all of womankind; (2) gay men have served in combat since literally the beginning of human history and somehow managed to stop humping each other long enough to avoid having their heads blown off; and (3) men have already proven capable of performing brain surgery next to female colleagues without getting distracted by their boobies, and women have previously demonstrated that they can successfully dismantle an explosive device even when a bunch of hot policemen are standing nearby.

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