Gays And Abortion Are Responsible For the Newtown Massacre, Obviously

So, here’s a thing that actually came out of conservative leader James Dobson’s mouth recently in reference to the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut:

I mean millions of people have decided that God doesn’t exist, or he’s irrelevant to me and we have killed fifty-four million babies and the institution of marriage is right on the verge of a complete redefinition.  Believe me, that is going to have consequences too.

And a lot of these things are happening around us, and somebody is going to get mad at me for saying what I am about to say right now, but I am going to give you my honest opinion: I think we have turned our back on the Scripture and on God Almighty and I think he has allowed judgment to fall upon us.  I think that’s what’s going on.

Wow, this is pretty huge. So… gay people basically determine the fate of the universe then?  We were not aware of this.

Well, if Dobson is correct here and the gays really are responsible for the Newtown massacre (in addition to causing the recession, the September 11th terrorist attacks, Hurricane Katrina, most of the world’s  earthquakes and tornadoes,  and the 1995 fall of the Bosnian enclave of Srebrenica), then sign us up for a Justin Bieber makeover and pour us a double whiskey at the Cubby Hole, because HOLY SHIT GAY PEOPLE HAVE SUPERPOWERS. 

Remember, the Apocalypse will be upon us any moment now, people. We don’t know about you, but when the swarms of locusts show up we definitely want to be on the team that can control the fucking weather.  Sure, this whole hetero thing has been fun and all and we’ll probably miss it a bit, but, really, how can you even compare the occasional penis with the ability to decide the destiny of the human race?  

Alternatively, we suppose we could just have an abortion instead since that also seems to be a pretty effective means of developing superpowers.  But we’re still not totally clear on whether you only need like one abortion to turn into a demonic Wonder Woman or if you have to keep on getting them to prevent your magical powers from diminishing over time. Also, do you get better superpowers if it’s a late-term abortion, or does trimester not really factor in?  Plus, what happens if you regret the abortion later on and then repent? Would that automatically void all of your superpowers, or do you at least get to keep some of the lamer ones like being able to cause flight delays and mild Earth tremors? Eh, on second thought, we’ll just go with Option #1. This abortion thing sounds way too complicated.

Later, hetero-peasants!! If you need us, we’ll be over at the Cubby Hole determining the fate of humanity in our spiffy new Northface vest. Buy us a drink and we might let you live.

*Hope you enjoyed what has to be one of the more blasphemous blog posts on the interwebs. If so, please consider doing your holiday shopping via this Amazon.com link we’re providing right here.  Justin Bieber makeovers aren’t cheap, you know.