Wow, it’s almost like Christmas in November for liberals today, if liberals hadn’t already killed Christmas a long time ago. Let’s have a look back at our Election Day wish list from yesterday and see how Old St. Nick delivered this year:
‘Sup? So, first of all, we can’t really remember whether you’re the dude who controls the weather or if that’s God, but if it’s you… what the hell, man? Enough already.
Anyway, the real reason we’re writing is because we have a wish list for the upcoming election tomorrow — which, again, not sure if you’re the one in charge of that or if Oprah is heading it up this year, but if it’s you, this is what we want:
2.) Obama’s win makes Donald Trump’s head explode, causing a frothy mix of crazy juice and orange-haired bits of shrapnel to be spewed directly onto his Twitter account. [Check!! Trump called the election a "travesty" and a "great and disgusting injustice" and has called for "revolution." (Donald, we've studied revolutions in the past. They tend not to end well for people like you.)]
3.) Please, Santa, we would really like it if adorably nerdy professor Elizabeth Warren could beat out hunka-hunka burnin’ moderate Republican love Scott Brown for the Senate seat from Massachusetts. [Check!]
4.) We really hope all the gays from Maryland, Washington, and Maine will get to have their relatives nag them about when they’re getting married already because they’re not getting any younger, you know. [Check! Maryland, Washington, and Maine became the first states to pass gay marriage via voter referendum, while Minnesota shot down a constitutional amendment that would have defined marriage as between a man and woman only.]
5.) Pot smokers in Colorado and Washington can legally… they can do something legally … wait, what was it again? There was something they wanted to do. Whatever, do we have any Hot Pockets left in the freezer? [Check! The Cheetos lobby has prevailed.]
7.) Indiana decides rape babies are not a blessing from God after all. [Check! Richard Murdouck (R) loses to Joe Donnelly (D) in race for Senate seat.]
8.) We get our very first openly gay U.S. Senator!! [Check!! Tammy Baldwin (D-WI) will be the first openly gay person to serve in the U.S. Senate.]
9.) Tea Party Republican and miserable human being Joe Walsh (R-IL) gets his ass handed to him by liberal war hero and double-amputee Tammy Duckworth (D-IL). [Check, bitch! You just got pwned by a three-foot tall woman.]
13.) Michele Bachmann. Get rid of her, please. [Womp, womp. Bachmann got reelected, somehow. Really, Minnesota? Really??]
15.) One last thing: please make Dream Girl Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) the first openly bisexual nontheist member of Congress. [Still pending!! Updates to follow.]
Overall, not bad, Santa. You brought us at least 12 things from our wish list. Thank you!!
*Speaking of Christmas… this.