We apologize in advance for this lengthy introduction, but recent events necessitate that we discuss something that has been irking us for quite some time. We are speaking of the tragedy that has befallen the term “douche nozzle.”
“Douche nozzle” used to be such a satisfying term, and yet … it has come to be abused. With people going around calling every ex-boyfriend or bad driver a douche nozzle, most of us do not even realize that the term actually has a highly specific meaning.
In order for one to be a true douche nozzle, one must not only (1) say or do something asinine, one must also (2) say or do said ass-hattery with such a profound sense of arrogance that one is utterly devoid of any self-awareness whatsoever. In other words, if you are just an ass hat, but you at least have enough self-awareness to suspect you might be an ass hat, then you are not a douche nozzle (see, e.g., Snooki). If you are arrogant but not completely terrible at life, then you are likewise not a douche nozzle (see, e.g., Kanye).
Which brings us to Richard Mourdock (R-IN). Earlier this week, Mourdock gave America a giant, collective face-palm when he asserted that rape babies are a gift from God. Even Haley Barbour called him “kinda crazy.” But at that point, Murdouck was just an idiot, possibly a misogynist. He met requirement #1, but we did not have proof at that point that he met the second requirement.
But then he opened his mouth again on Thursday.
The Indianapolis Star asked Mourdock whether voters might not vote for him because of his remarks, Mourdock said:
I haven’t heard of those voters.
Then Mourdock was given an example of one voter who had, in fact, stopped supporting him. He said this person was being ludicrous:
I assured all women that the issue of rape is a serious issue. It is not one that my God condones. If anyone thinks that I would condone that, that’s a ludicrous point of view.
The Star reporter then had the good sense to go one step further. Asked if his campaign had actually gained votes due to the abortion comment, Mourdock replied:
I know we did.
And so we congratulate you, Mr. Mourdock. You are now officially a douche nozzle.
*And now we need to be a little douchey ourselves: Remember that thing you’ve been meaning to buy on Amazon? You know, that one thingy? Why not be awesome and buy it through this super helpful link we are providing right here?