Silvio Berlusconi Likes President Obama a Lot More Than We Ever Realized

Former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi provided testimony today in Milan, where he is on trial for abuse of office and paying for sex with an alleged under-age prostitute during his infamous “bunga-bunga” parties. He testified:

Everything happened in front of the staff, and at times my children too came in to say hello.

Dude, Silvio. That’s even weirder. You’re not helping yourself here.

I can exclude with absolute certainty that there were ever scenes of a sexual nature.

Ohhhhh ok, got it. You’re pretending now that there was no bunga-bunga at the parties you personally named “bunga-bunga parties.” We’ll buy that (no, we won’t).

According to the models and showgirls who have given evidence in the trial, young women would dress up as nuns and police officers and perform strip teases and pole dances for the then prime minister at his luxury mansion in Arcore, outside Milan. Okay, pretty standard stuff there, bro. But also, there’s this: 

Some of the girls reportedly donned face masks depicting Barack Obama while dressed in skimpy knickers and bras.

Wait, what? Obama must be so creeped out right now. That’s not even sexy. That’s just … we don’t even know what that is.

Later during testimony, Berlusconi also denied having sex with “Ruby the Heartstealer,” the then-17 year-old Moroccan runaway prosecutors allege he paid in return for sex. Mr. Berlusconi is also accused of pressuring police in Milan to release Ruby on a theft charge, telling them that she was the granddaughter of Hosni Mubarak, the then Egyptian president, and that her detention could cause a diplomatic incident.

“I never had an intimate relationship of any kind with her,” Berlusconi testified. He admitted, however, that his accountant gave Ruby 57,000 euros as a gift and because he feared she was at risk of falling into prostitution. (Sidenote: Silvio, if you’re reading this right now, we too are considering a career in prostitution. Don’t test us. We’ll totally do it. We can set up a PayPal account if you feel like this is a bad idea.) 

*Readers, don’t let us become prostitutes. You can prevent this from happening by buying some stuff on Amazon.com right now through this super helpful link we are providing right here. Or you can just pay us 57,000 euros directly and then we’ll promise we won’t go hooking. Either way. Your call.

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