As is our solemn journalistic obligation, we must document that some of the statements made in last night’s debate were not factually correct. Most notably, this assertion from Mitt Romney:
I love Big Bird.
Let’s look at the evidence:
1.) First of all, in the very same breath, Mitt Romney said he would eliminate government funding for PBS. This will undoubtedly lead to Big Bird living in a garbage can with Oscar the Grouch, which is particularly cruel given that Big Bird is over eight feet tall.
Yes, we realize it is tempting to cut out the bloated annual PBS budget, which accounts for 0.012% of the government’s current annual budget. We would only need to make 2,988 more cuts of the same size to eliminate the deficit entirely. However, what Mitt Romney seems to forget is that Sesame Street characters play a crucial role in our national defense. An attack on Big Bird is an attack on all of us, Mr. Romney. If you cut Big Bird’s funding, the terrorists win.
2.) Moreover, Big Bird is clearly part of the 47%, and Mitt Romney has already said he doesn’t care about individuals who, like Big Bird, rely on government funding.
3.) Furthermore, Big Bird’s closest friends are Bert and Ernie. However, Mitt Romney does not support their right to marry. This is not something you do to the friends of people you supposedly “love.”
4.) Mitt Romney selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. Paul Ryan is an avid hunter of fowl.
5.) Mitt Romney has demonstrated that he does not like arithmetic. If arithmetic falls out of favor in America, one of Big Bird’s best friends, Count von Count, will be out of a job.
So, there you have it. Mitt Romney was clearly lying when he said he “love[s]” Big Bird. If he can lie about this, what else is he willing to lie to the American public about?
*Don’t let the terrorists win. Go buy some Sesame Street stuff on Amazon.com right now through this super helpful link we are providing right here. Or buy something else on Amazon.com. Honestly, we don’t really care. Just buy something using that link, or else you hate Big Bird and the terrorists win.