Are you a videographer struggling to come up with the perfect political campaign ad for your candidate this election season? Good news! Because by following these 10 easy steps, you too can create an ad as awesome as the one recently released by everyone’s favorite crazy uncle, South Dakota Congressional hopeful John Barth (D):
Step 1. Start with the soundtrack from Deliverance. It’s homey and reminds people of family. And pigs.
Step 2. Dress your candidate in a cap with his own name scrawled across it.
Step 3. Now have your overweight and out-of-shape candidate walk at a steady pace down a rural road for five minutes while breathlessly attempting to speak.
Step 4. Have your candidate periodically walk past random objects that are completely unrelated to the topics about which he is speaking. For instance:
Step 5. Remind your candidate to mention that he learned to play chess in Iceland. It’s almost as important as being able to see Russia from your house. Now have him walk by a random chess board to demonstrate.
Step 6. Very important: Do not forget to have your candidate mention he has ridden an ostrich. Has his opponent ridden an ostrich? No, she hasn’t. Bam, you just won over 239 new voters.
Step 7. South Dakotans are nothing if not obsessive about dental care. Therefore, have your candidate discuss how his two daughters both “have straight teeth, college degrees and husbands.”
Step 8. Pretend to shoot a dog. Why not.
Step 9. Did you forget to mention the chess thing? Mention it again.
Step 10. People are not going to understand what your candidate means when he calls his opponent a “horse’s ass.” Therefore, be sure to have a helpful visual aid.
Presto!! You have just created the Greatest Political Ad in History.